Love wasn't enough

Have you ever loved someone you knew you couldn't have?

Not just liked someone. Not a passing attraction. But loved someone so deeply that, even after years apart, something inside you still feels pulled towards them.

I have.

For over 10 years, there was someone in my life who I always called my Mad Hatter.

He was my best friend, and from the moment we met, there was an instant connection. His energy felt like home. There was something about him that felt familiar, even though we'd only just met.

We understood each other in ways that sometimes felt deeper than words.

But we could never quite get it right.

We would become close, pull away, lose contact and somehow find our way back to each other. Over the years, we became both the runner and the chaser, constantly swapping roles.

Looking back, I can see that neither of us truly felt worthy of the love we felt.

There were also real-life circumstances between us. He wanted to become a dad, and that was something I could never give him. There were other relationships, timing and choices that made things complicated.

But the connection never seemed to completely disappear.

The Unexpected Reunion

I remember one Easter when I was shopping with my mum in Marks & Spencer.

As we walked out of the food hall and back into the main store, I saw him.

Everything seemed to stop.

I remember shouting his name, completely forgetting that my mum was standing beside me.

"Who the hell are you shouting at?" she asked.

I was flustered.

"Oh my God. It's him. It's him."

He hadn't even heard me.

Then he finally saw me.

I didn't say hello.

I ran straight towards him and hugged him.

That hug felt like something I had been waiting lifetimes for.

I didn't want to let go.

But then I noticed the woman beside him.

I later discovered he had got married.

My heart sank.

Of course his life had moved on. We'd been apart for years.

I said goodbye and carried on shopping with my mum, trying to hold myself together.

But afterwards, the tears came.

That familiar longing had returned.

And it made me realise just how much I had been trying to run from my feelings.

The Cycle

We eventually found our way back into contact.

And once again, the same cycle began.

Talking.

Meeting.

Getting closer.

Pulling away.

There were things that happened between us that shouldn't have happened because he was married, and I take responsibility for my part in that.

I've experienced betrayal myself, and I knew how painful it can be. I didn't want to be part of creating that pain for someone else.

So I walked away.

Sometimes I would block him.

Sometimes I would disappear completely.

I thought I was protecting myself.

But really, I was hurting myself too.

Because I finally had to admit something:

I couldn't just be friends with him.

I loved him too much.

And I deserved a relationship where someone could choose me fully.

When Life Brings Someone Back

Years passed.

Yet I would still have dreams about him. I'd see his face in strangers. I'd notice motorbikes and wonder for a moment whether it could be him.

I started to question whether these things were signs or simply my subconscious bringing an old connection back to the surface.

Eventually, I reached out again.

Within two days, he turned up at my healing space.

I was finishing with a client when I heard a motorbike coming down the driveway.

My heart started racing.

He took his helmet off.

It was him.

Again.

It felt like the Marks & Spencer moment all over again.

I froze for a moment before running towards him and throwing my arms around him.

I showed him my healing space something I'd once told him I dreamed of creating

We talked.

He told me he had always checked in on me from afar. That he had always wanted to know I was okay. That if I ever needed him, he would come, no matter how much time had passed.

But when he left that day, I knew something.

This had to be the last time.

Not because I didn't love him.

But because I finally understood the cycle.

Have I Learned Yet?

Now, as another lunar eclipse approaches, I've noticed those familiar feelings rising again.

The dreams.

The memories.

The reminders.

The temptation to reach out.

But this time, something feels different.

I'm not seeing it as a reason to contact him.

I'm seeing it as an opportunity to ask myself:

Have I learned yet?

Recently, while driving, the emotions became overwhelming.

I cried.

I screamed.

I shouted.

"I am not doing it."

"I am not reaching out to him."

"I've come so far."

"I'm not repeating this cycle anymore."

My heart felt incredibly heavy.

For a moment, it felt like it was breaking.

Then another thought came to me:

What if my heart isn't breaking because it's broken?

What if it's breaking open?

Choosing Myself

I've spent many years repeating patterns not just in relationships, but in life.

Going back to what was familiar.

Holding onto things that weren't meant to stay.

Mistaking longing for a sign that I needed to return.

Maybe some people come into our lives to show us how deeply we can love.

And maybe some come to teach us how deeply we need to love ourselves.

I will always love him.

I don't need to pretend our connection wasn't real.

It was.

He mattered.

Our friendship mattered.

Our story mattered.

But I've finally accepted something that took me a very long time to understand.

Two people can love each other deeply and still not be able to build a life together.

Maybe in another lifetime, our paths will cross again.

Maybe there will be a lifetime where the circumstances are different.

But in this lifetime, I choose me.

Because sometimes love is real.

Sometimes the connection is real.

And sometimes...

love just isn't enough.